You know who you married, so give your spouse grace in conflict.

Does your spouse need grace?  The other day, I saw the first public post on social media I have ever wanted to respond to. I didn’t (responding to people publicly online is a bad idea) but I’ve been praying all week for this stranger. She wrote a post asking anyone who cared to answer if she mishandled a situation with her husband. The woman explained she is 26, married to a 31-year-old man for three months, together a total of five years. They have never had financial arguments or conflicts. When they got married, her husband said he made plenty of money and she did not need to feel obligated to work. She has loved the last three months as a housewife, managing their finances and running their home. But in the last week, she felt like her entire marriage changed.

Marriage begins in a fragile state.

This woman writing the post said they generally spend X amount of money on groceries for the month. However, her husband requested some specific items for her recent shopping trip, which went $100 over budget. When she told him the amount for this particular month, her husband freaked out. According to her, he started panicking and saying she was irresponsible with “his money.”

Obviously, when one spouse works and the other stays home, hearing the words “my money” is terrifying. As a stay-at-home mother, I can imagine the panic it would cause me to hear those words from my husband. The woman online retaliated by refusing to use or wear anything her husband had bought for her. For several days, she only wore her pre-marriage clothing and used pre-marriage things. When her husband asked why, she said she didn’t want to “abuse his money.” In her online thread, she asked if she had gone too far in response to her husband’s meltdown.

Now, the online response was so devastating I nearly broke my “no public response” rule. Hundreds if not thousands of people told this 26-year-old newlywed that her husband was showing his true colors. That her first mistake was getting married in the first place and her second was giving up her job. So many bitter souls told this young woman that she needed to prepare for divorce. All this, because her husband panicked when his new wife went over their monthly budget. This, because this new wife couldn’t see the fragile state that all marriages begin in.

You do know who you married.

What jumped out to me about this post was their ages and history. 26 and 31 is a year difference in mine and my husband’s ages. We’ve been together seven years and married for over three. This couple is not much different, logistically, from me and my husband, except in terms of marriage time. Remembering what the first few months of marriage were like, I can imagine how hard this situation would be. It would be terrifying if suddenly my husband acted like a different person.

But after three years of marriage, I know my husband is exactly who I married. I wasn’t stupid; I didn’t marry him without knowing him. If he accused me of being careless because our budget was tight, I would see straight through that problem. I would know immediately that something else was going on. For a newlywed, maybe this woman’s husband is struggling to adjust to marriage. Maybe he’s realizing his willingness to let his wife be at home means a sacrifice of autonomy on his part. Perhaps they’ve been talking about children and he’s starting to worry about money like he never has. Maybe he has a bad influence in his life like these bitter people online telling him to prepare for divorce.

The world hates marriage.

If you are newly married or preparing for marriage, I have a sad piece of advice to give you. The world hates marriage. People are bitter. So many people out there want you to be as miserable as they are. They want to tell you that “my husband did that too and we got divorced.” The world wants to destroy marriage by dividing husband and wife and throwing their baggage onto every situation.  Nobody wants you to give your spouse grace.

Don’t let anything hurt your marriage. You know whom you married. Give your spouse some grace. If your spouse seems to act like a different person, love them through it and find out why. There is a reason. I’m willing to bet less than 1% of people are actually psychopaths who shed their disguises post-marriage. But marriage is hard. The stakes are higher. Tempers are hotter. It is not easy to handle conflict when you are newly married. Do not, under any circumstances, add fuel to that fire by opening your marriage to criticism from the wide world. Because the world is influenced by the devil. The devil hates marriage.

Shut the doors, pray to God, remember who you married, talk it out, love each other.

Take care of each other. And be happy.