Christian
It is very hard to revisit those times. It is very painful, not only because of the loss of our baby, but also because of the pain I inflicted on Christine. I should have been her protector, and I did nothing. I was completely desensitized. Pregnancy was an abstract concept to me; it did not seem real. In my mind, pregnancy was disconnected from “baby.”
Now, when I see ultrasounds of babies at every stage of life, and pictures and films of a baby’s development, I cannot understand how we could have done what we did. It is beyond imagination, beyond comprehension! A baby in the womb is so real, so alive.
Jean-Marie Desbois
Christine
God, in His Providence, put a very holy priest on my path: Father Jean-Marie Desbois, a friend of my Mom’s family. I cannot remember exactly when I met with him and confessed after the abortion, but I think it was fairly soon. I did not feel the effect of that Confession right away, and I kept on living in sin. I kept this terrible event locked inside, and each time the lid tried to open, I pushed it shut.
Only after our wedding in 1977 did the healing really begin. What is the grace we receive on our wedding day? Christ gives us a tremendous gift at that moment: He offers us the capacity to love each other as He loved the Church. He makes us capable of sacrificial, self-giving, selfless love. He offers us Agapè.
July 2nd, 1977
I was broken by my sin, hurting deeply, unable to truly love and give myself. Christian was deeply wounded too. Christ had to heal us first so that we could become able to love fully.
The healing happened in steps, and it is still going on! After the first step, Reconciliation, came a second step: the powerful testimony of a friend.
It was the end of 1981, and we lived in Aix-en-Provence. My Mom had asked me to pray for my brother’s endangered marriage. We did not go to church much, but I had decided to stop at the cathedral on my way back from ballet class. Time was short, and I was about to change my mind when I saw one of the ladies from my ballet class go into the cathedral. I thought, “If she’s going, I’m going.” I followed her in and asked if this was where she came to Mass. She told me she wasn’t Catholic but liked to stop there to pray. Then she told me the story of her conversion! I was deeply touched, and envious. Her story awakened a strong desire in me: I also wanted to have an encounter with Christ.
Aix en Provence, Cathedral Holy Savior
I made up my mind to go to a prayer group in Marseille, where my sister had prayed when she lived there. It was a huge decision, because I had learned to drive in Nebraska, and driving around Marseille is vastly different! I hired a babysitter for our two daughters, since Christian was on a business trip, and I left. I was scared, but I made it! I was not good at parallel parking, and the only spots there were parallel. I was about to give up and go home when a huge, American-style car pulled out, leaving me plenty of room to practice my parking skills!
I had no idea what a charismatic prayer group was. I joined and started praying with everybody. At one point, the leader invited those who wanted to kneel in the center to be prayed over. I had not come all this way for nothing, so I volunteered. I knelt, and everyone started praying over me. The leader said this sentence (I thought it came from the Bible): “Come, my child, come and throw yourself into my ocean of love.” To me, it was God the Father speaking to me! A great peace and a great joy came over me. I felt forgiven. I felt loved as never before! It was February 2nd, 1982, the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord.
Marseille, Notre Dame de la Garde
The priest who was there also said that many knots were being untied within me and would continue to be untied in the coming months. This is how I started praying again. I went back to Mass every Sunday, and sometimes during the week whenever possible. I started praying the Rosary daily, too, asking that Christian would also have this encounter. I was back on track, and the healing could continue!
Christian
It took me much longer to return to God and the Church. Looking back, it seems I was away from the Church for only a short time, and I hope the Lord sees it that way too. Still, it was not easy for me to watch Christine rediscover this intimacy with the Lord. I felt forgotten, neglected, even jealous, maybe. The Lord was taking away the little time I had with my wife, and I did not like it much. But deep in my heart, I knew.
I knew that this was the life we were called to. Of course, I resisted a bit, to show that I was still in control. I did not know what was going to happen or where we were going, but yes, we were called to the Real Life.
Us then, with Mathilde and Jehanne
