Vows vs. Consent

by | Aug 30, 2024 | Agapè Catholic Ministries, Church, Marriage, Teachings

Vows vs. consent, it is time to get this right!  In the Sacrament of Matrimony, people often use the term “vows.”  This is a misunderstanding of the definition of the word.  In marriage, a couple does not, in fact, exchange vows, but instead, the couple exchanges consent.  Interestingly, there is so much confusion regarding these two words.
I have worked in marriage preparation for many years now.  I have heard not only couples and church ministry personnel, but also ordained clergy, refer to this moment in the sacrament as vows.  Only recently have I started to correct people on this misguided terminology.  Clarification on this is important.

Vow:

To begin, let’s look at the Catholic definition of the word vow.  A vow is a free, deliberate promise made directly to God to do something that is good and that is more pleasing to God than its omission would be. They unite the soul to God by a new bond of religion, and so the acts included under the vow become also acts of religion. By taking a vow, a person surrenders to God the moral freedom of acting otherwise.

Consent: 

Now let’s look at how the church defines consent.  According to Canon Law, consent is the deliberate agreement required of those concerned in legal transactions in order to legalize such actions.  The consent is given to each other, not directly to God. This consent is necessary to constitute contracts and must be internal, external, mutual, and deliberate.

If we look specifically at marriage consent, canon law states: “Matrimonial consent is an act of the will by which a man and a woman mutually give and accept each other through an irrevocable covenant in order to establish marriage. In other words, consent is fundamental, without which you can’t have marital commitment.”  Can. 1057 §2.

What Can We Conclude Then:

If we look at the two definitions, we can see that a vow is something that one person makes to God directly.  Who does that?  Yes, those ordained and our religious brothers and sisters.  I can make a vow for myself to God, but I am not able to make a vow to God on behalf of my husband.  Of course, our marriage includes God, but in marriage we must give consent because it is a legal transaction.  A vow bonds us to God, but consent (that includes God) bonds us legally to one another.

So Why Do We Interchange the Language:

To be honest, I don’t have the answer to this question.  You can bet that I will keep searching for it and discussing it with my theological friends.  In 2016 the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments wrote the book that clergy now use for the ceremony.  The book is called, “The Order of Celebrating Matrimony.”  In that book, the term vows was removed and only consent is mentioned.  I believe the Church is working towards helping others understand the difference in language, but we have confused the two for so long that it will take time. …and patience.

What Can You Do?

As you spend time with those preparing for marriage, pay attention to their vocabulary and their language.  If you hear them say, “Our vows,” simply share your knowledge.  You can share why married couples do not make vows, but instead we give our consent.
After all, Pope Francis wrote in Amoris Laetitia that the words of consent, “cannot be reduced to the present; they involve a totality that includes the future: ‘until death do us part’” (no. 214). When we give our consent, we are confirming, in the presence of God and the Church, to love each other faithfully for the rest of their lives. Through our consent husbands and wives form an unbreakable covenant. May God bless all married couples.
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Tara Brooke

Tara Brooke is a wife, mother, educator, and child of God.  Tara has worked in various aspects of ministry in the Catholic Church for over 20 years, her last years as a Director of Marriage and Family Life for her local diocese.  She now stays home and tends to the needs of her growing and beautiful family.  She has three biological children and two adopted children, both with Down Syndrome. She loves helping engaged couples grow in their understanding of the Sacrament of Marriage as well as helping enrich already married couples in growing in holiness together.  She resides in Bismarck, ND with her amazing husband, Deacon Dan! 

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